Step 1: When you get to the field or wherever this is happening, position yourself above the giant demon eye monster using either a jet pack or a stepladder.
Step 2: Drop down on to the GDEM while it’s distracted by the cool papier-mâché castle you previously placed c.150ft in front of it, and don’t forget to do that beforehand or you’re pretty much boned at this point.
Step 3: Cover up as much of the GDEM’s eye (which is more or less all there is) as you can. If you thought ahead and remembered to bring a duvet cover or large eye patch with you, now would be a good time to deploy it.
Step 4: Stab the awful creature with your longsword as many times as you can (and honestly, those things are quite unwieldy so try to have realistic expectations) or alternatively try to ‘ride’ the disorientated GDEM over a cliff if you’re not super bothered about either of you coming out of this alive and I can totally empathise there so don’t feel bad or anything.
Step 5: (Do remember to bring your longsword with you, I meant to write that between Step 2 and Step 3 but I’m a busy guy and I haven’t got time to go back and start editing all this stuff right now.)
Step 6: (And if you somehow fail to source a stepladder or jet pack or duvet cover or large eye patch before the battle commences, ignore Step 1, Step 2 and Step 3 and just proceed directly to Step 4.)
Step 7: Collect your cool papier-mâché castle even if it was crushed in the gory struggle, because it’s still technically going to be viewed as littering especially when it eventually goes all soggy in the rain, and besides if you’ve made it particularly rad then it probably took you like most of an afternoon or something so why would you leave it hmm? Crazy is why!
Step 8: Leave instructions with a friend or lover for carrying out Step 7 in your absence if you’re thinking maybe Step 4 might involve the cliff-plunge doom scenario for you.
Step 9: Go home and celebrate with a beer or soft drink and stare out of the window for a while and just, like, bask in the hot prickly flush of VICTORY.
Step 10: Leave instructions with a lover or nemesis to carry out Step 9 on your behalf if you plummeted over the cliff to your heroic death in Step 4.
